The Ultimate Addiction
By Scott Kalechstein
I have an insidious addiction that I wrestle with: criticholism. It
is the addiction behind all addictions, as it drives me to
compulsively drink, smoke, watch television, eat chocolate, and work
without rest. For a very long time this disease has been my Achilles
Heal.* I am happy to say that my feet are well on the road to
recovery. I confess this and share my story in the hopes that it may
inspire any fellow criticholics out there to realize what they've
been doing and encourage them to get help.
Like many, I spent years in denial of my thinking problem. I fancied
myself an average social criticizer, enjoying a few harmless
judgments of myself and of others at parties and other social
situations. Then I noticed myself sneaking in a few criticisms while
alone. Soon I was waking up and starting my day with a double shot
of straight criticism. When I found myself criticizing myself for
how much I was criticizing myself, I knew I had a problem. But where
to go for help? There were no twelve step programs for this
addiction, and I had definitely hit bottom.
One Sunday I was thinking and driving, and got caught in the act. A
policeman pulled me over. He had clocked me on his radar judging
myself at eighty three times per hour. My thoughts had been swerving
all over the road! I had no excuse. He arrested me for inner child
abuse, driving myself crazy, and disturbing my own peace. When I
told him I was a workaholic and was on my way to work, he added
resisting a rest to my charges. He also informed me that my thinking
problem contributes to astral air pollution and eats away at the
ozone layer. Oy,Vey! Did I feel guilty!?!
In court I was asked to be my own prosecuting attorney, since the
judge knew I had so much experience in that role already. Of course
I won my case, and was found guilty as charged. I thought they would
throw the book at me, being that domestic self-violence is such a
heated issue these days. Instead, the judge let me off with a
suspended sentence..............................
He then warned me that if I was found beating myself up again that I
would serve hard time for giving myself a hard time.
The court suggested I visit a hospital that specialized in the
treatment of Chronic Critique Syndrome.* Upon examination I was
immediately placed on the critical list. The doctors were blunt.
They told me that if I didn't learn to be more gentle with myself my
mental habits would lead me to a probable critiac arrest.* I decided
to start resting my critic instead.
*Achilles Heal: One's greatest weakness which, through
self-forgiveness, alchemizes into a blessing that serves humanity.
*Chronic Critique Syndrome: This condition renders the alleged
victim unable to see and enjoy the good. It is passed from parent to
child, and can also be caught from schoolteachers and the media. The
disease affects the eyes, often leaving the sufferer with Anal Eyes
, the predisposition to anal-eyes everyone and everything,
especially the self. The cure is an emotional and mental procedure
designed to remove the layers of anesthesia blocking one from
heartfelt feelings. People in remission often can be seen spreading
joy and hugging on the streets. For more information, see Jimmy
Stewart at the end of It's A Wonderful Life.
*Critiac Arrest: This occurs when, after years of a person attacking
their own heart, the heart fails. The major causes of critiac arrest
are a poor mental diet, hardening of the attitudes, and the lack of
heart-strengthening exercises, such as hugging, laughing and
playing.
More Americans suffer from critiac arrests than all other metaphoric
illnesses combined!
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